killing sin equals sanctification, yeah?

The idea of waring against sin by the Spirit has infiltrated my life lately. I've heard it, read it, and seen it. It has become what I want to do. I want to kill my sin. The god of the flesh, the god of this world, a world of which I am not a part of, hates me. He is millions of times stronger than me and hates me. And you would think that I would run from something like this. But I run to it. Why do I run to that? Why do I run to something that kills my soul and hates me?
I go there because it is easy. I am weak. I am selfish. I am dumb. And I am so quickly satisfied. I feel like an idiot when I think of how crazy I must look to the Lord. Because even I can I watch myself. Even I can see my own foolishness.

When I am not feeling cared for in a friendship I rekindle an old one. Personally, I always love to hear from old friends. So when I call someone up I am looking for someone to be excited to hear from me. I don't seek their time because I just really love maintaining hard long distance friendships, but because I have selfishly not been satisfied by a current friendship and I feel freaking let down. Sometimes I sit back and analyze one of those moments and think, "What the hell? How did I not see myself running to my own vomit?" How can I be so consistently blind? I can cover it up by saying that I just wanted to reconnect, or that it was really great to talk with that person again. But I am just trying to make up for the fact that I had my hope in a current relationship and I feel like crap because that person was incapable of making me feel loved. This is my current sin. This constant fueling of my own need to feel cared for by the people around me. That is my sin. That is my enemy.

I want to kill it. But I am no where near as strong as the god of this world. I don't even come close. I don't even think I am capable of hating him as much as he hates me. So thank God for the Spirit. Thank God for the Word, which is a sword he cannot combat. I constantly forget the weapons I have been granted. It is BY THE SPIRIT that sin is put to death. That is the only way there is hope. Because if it is not the Word, then what am I hitting him with? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Weak little eleven-year-old-boy punches that do nothing.

SO THEN, BROTHERS, WE ARE DEBTORS, NOT TO THE FLESH, TO LIVE ACCORDING TO THE FLESH. FOR IF YOU LIVE ACCORDING TO THE FLESH YOU MUST DIE, BUT IF BY THE SPIRIT YOU PUT TO DEATH THE DEEDS OF THE BODY, YOU WILL LIVE. FOR ALL WHO ARE LED BY THE SPIRIT OF GOD ARE SONS OF GOD. FOR YOU DID NOT RECEIVE THE SPIRIT OF SLAVERY TO FALL BACK INTO FEAR, BUT YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE SPIRIT OF ADOPTIONS AS SONS, BY WHOM WE CRY,"ABBA! FATHER!" THE SPIRIT HIMSELF BEARS WITNESS WITH OUR SPIRIT THAT WE ARE CHILDREN OF GOD, AND IF CHILDREN, THEN HEIRS - HEIRS OF GOD AND FELLOW HEIRS WITH CHRIST, PROVIDED WE SUFFER WITH HIM IN ORDER THAT WE MAY ALSO BE GLORIFIED WITH HIM. [Romans 8:12-17]

Have mercy on me, O God

The sacrifices of our God
Are broken in a contrite heart
Against you and you alone
Have I sinned
(I love hearing this song sung in community at Veritas)

The other day Hannah pointed out how she wished that we knew this all the time. That we cannot sin against anyone else other than God himself. We don't sin against our friends when we mess up, we don't sin against our parents when we make mistakes, and we don't sin against ourselves when we fail. Against YOU AND YOU ALONE have I sinned. I am sinful for thinking any other way. I pray to be like David in Psalm 51. Because if I knew that and remembered it every time I sinned, I would be broken so often that I would never be able to forget my need for the cross.