Leaving on a Jet Plane

He's stripping me of all that I cling to. Every time I think I am healing from what is taken away, He just takes something else so that He is all that is left standing. It's a beautiful mess. My heart hurts more with each thing taken from me; but as my idols fall my need for Him deepens. I hate being angry about it, and I'm tired of being tired about it. I want to be thrilled that He loves me enough to steal my attention and drive out the things that rob me of seeing His face. I want to rejoice every time my attention is painfully turned back to His perfection. Yeah, I just want to feel that so badly. I half-heartedly pray that He would continue to strip me of things I put before Him. And I pray that I would soon be able to pray that prayer with sincerity.

"Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,

Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward..."

-Nickel Creek

It's Back

I layed in the grass.
I smelled like outside.
I played on the swings.
Spring is here.

spring

i miss the spring. for real.

for myself

i went to the C3 evening service last night. it was really cool. they changed the chairs around and Konan spoke down on the floor instead of the stage. so it was a very comfortable and close environment. there were only about thirty or forty people there and i didn't know any of them. but that was okay. Konan's sermon was ridiculously encouraging. he spoke on embracing uncertainty. his main point was that because we have certainty in Christ and the cross, we can embrace the life of uncertainty that GOD offers to us.

i left with a lot on my mind. i don't know how much that sermon really applied to my thoughts after it, but it definitely got me thinking. last night i realized that i needed to pursue Christ's love for myself. this past year i have come to love Him and need Him more than ever before. but i don't think i have ever really wanted it for myself before. in high school sometimes i just want to know Christ for the sake of being a part of Young Life (which is a hard thing for me to admit). but it's truth. and i have been realizing that if that is my only motivation, it will never be a sufficient drive to follow after Him and that i am missing out on so much. i have to realize my desperate need for the cross, remember that need every day, and make that my motivation to follow Christ.

i know that GOD has only the best for me; and i want to be disappointed with anything less than that. i am so crazy loved by Him

i lay it down

This is all I have to bring,
My weak and wounded offering.

I lay it down, the whole of me,
Father fill this aching need.

Left and right, resist, resist,
Come and heal this bloody fist.

I am Yours to redeem,
All Yours to redeem,
Set a president in me.

Unity in the Shallow End...

As a lifeguard I don’t do much. I mostly just sit and watch people swim. So I get to know the members pretty well. My YMCA is extremely diverse and incredibly telling of the communities surrounding it.

At work last night we had open swim for 3 hours. Most of the time it is just lap swimmers and old people. Last night we had 6 or 7 families in the pool all at once. There was one white family, two black families, two Korean families, a boy and his dad who only speak French, and an old couple. It was a very strange group dynamic. I sat and watched as all of the parents slowly went into the deep end, leaving their kids to play in the shallow end.

As each kid got in the pool they started playing with the kids who had already been there. They didn’t care that they didn’t know each other, or that their ages ranged from 4-12 years old. They just played. No questions asked. Why is it that I am so surprised by this? I am so used to seeing discrimination and having people make pre-judgements that I guess I just assumed that these kids would follow suit and do the same. I was so far off.

For some reason kids know how to embrace their freedom to let their guards down. They just see each other as another person to play with. Why can’t it be that way forever? Why can’t I look at everyone I meet as an opportunity to have a new friend to play with? I wish I could say that I don’t struggle with this or that I don’t make judgements about others, but I would be lying.

-Sometimes I wish that unity was as easy as the shallow end at the YMCA

Silent Car Ride

Yesterday after school, Dad and I went to the BMV. It's about a twenty minute drive to get there. Dad drove. I sat. I was sitting consumed in my own thoughts and my dad was the same. It was an almost completely silent trip. The only thing that was said was, "Where did all of this wind come from?" I responded with a shrug. It may sound like this was a bad drive or a completely awkward twenty minutes, but it wasn't. I love that I am comfortable enough to be silent and be still with my dad. Occasions like this are so few and far between in my relationship with him. It was the perfect drive. There were no tempers, no heated debates, just me and dad.