Warmth to my Soul

Its hard to pinpoint where I'm at in life right now. My world is still new and weird. This Ohio State life still doesn't feel real. I'm in between, on the verge, just about to, leaving, entering, starting and finishing so many things. There's nothing settled in my head, nothing known or normal. New friends, new places to live, and feeling like nothing about my year has been permanent makes everything seem shallow sometimes. I don't know how to fix the anxiety it brings me in any other way than to cast it upon the Lord. Every time I begin something new or put an end to something that didn't seem to have enough time to run its course I am reminded that friendship with the world is enmity with God. I cannot put down roots, I can't store up treasures, and I cannot settle down in this world.

Anxieties.

-I have signed the lease to live in the Baby Brick. I have already left my home to live in a dorm with a roommate, and I will soon leave that, too. Is that where I should be? Have I jumped the gun in making that choice for my home next year?

-I am going to lead Young Life. Is this the ministry the Lord has been preparing me for? Is it really what will bring the Lord most glory? Or is it just the only ministry I've ever seen done?

-I am dating this boy. Is this something I should be committed to here and now? Am I really getting more of Christ in this?

-Have I given these things over to the Lord in prayer often enough? When do I know when I have committed to any of these things to quickly? When do I know that they are right? How do I change them if they are wrong? Where is my hope?

I don't know the answers to these questions. I honestly don't. I will try to remember to put my confidence in the will of God, knowing that as I pursue His glory He will close doors to things that lead me to destruction.

Truths.

-"Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent." Revelation 3:19 I am being disciplined to follow. He is the way.

-"Therefore the Lord declares, the Lord of hosts, the Mighty One of Israel: 'Ah, I will get relief from my enemies and avenge myself on my foes. I will turn my hand against you and smelt away your dross as with lye and remove all your alloy. And I will restore your judges as at the first, and your counselors as at the beginning. Afterward you shall be called the city of righteousness, the faithful city.' " -Isaiah 1:24-26 It is the Lord who makes me into His faithful.

-"I say to the Lord, 'You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you." -Psalm 16:2 He will not abandon my soul.

These Truths are peace to my soul, and nullify the need for answers to my questions. My anxieties are ripped away and I am brought to remember my Heavenly citizenship. This position of submission under devine authority is a safe place to lay and warmth to my soul.

To know my God

It is an unbelievable beauty to see the Lord's work. In my own heart, in the hearts of my friends, and in the hearts of my parents. Our God is insatiable for the spirit He has put in us (James 4:5) and it is so evident to me in the way I can see myself being transformed. I am undoubtedly a new creation in Christ Jesus.

"And we all with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." - 2 Corinthians 3:18

I read in an old journal some notations of mine on pieces of text I was fumbling through and can, in my head, see the wisdom the Lord has given me over their meanings. The foolishness of the gospel is being transformed into my saving hope, the glory of Christ. I now press on in hopes to see the same peace in the Word that I am currently fumbling through. I press on to know my God.

I read in an old journal of specific idols that I was blind to. In prayer I longed for them! In prayer I hoped for them! How blind! How foolish to ask my God to enslave my heart elsewhere! But I have a God who loves. I can now look back, see my idolatry and repent. I am no longer blind. Oh how good He is. I now press on in hopes to see and cast off all other works of darkness and put on the armor of light. I press on to know my God.

I read in an old journal of my prayer for the ones I love. My God has been faithful. I see prayers answered that I cannot even remember praying for. They are miraculous, yet I forget! Our God calls us to communion in prayer with Him through the death and resurrection of His Son. To be allowed to come before the Lord in this manner is gift in itself! But that He would be faithful in hearing us! To God be all glory! I now press on in prayer in hopes that I would see more and more of the work of Christ being done, and can be incapable of ignorance to his majesty. I press on to know my God.

I read in an old journal descriptions of the world I live in. This world is only temporary. I am called an elect exile according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with His blood (1 Peter 1:1-2). To this Truth I hold fast that this world is not my home. My citizenship is Heavenly and my hope is eternal. Thanks be to God that I am called to be estranged. I press on in hopes to be the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing (2 Corinthians 2:15). I press on to know my God.

"Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine!

O what a foretaste of glory devine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

Born of His Spirit, washed in his blood.

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my Savior, all the day long;

This is my story, this is my song

Praising my Savior, all the day long."

It's Not August

Its not August anymore. That's for sure. In August my life looked different. So very different. My friends, my living situation, my view of the Lord, my need for the cross, and the authority in my life are all so different then before. My life looks nothing like August.

I am finding that the next step is always better. Not that I should be discontent with the step I am in now, or that I should not live where I'm at, its just a longing for more of what I know the Lord holds in store for me. I have seen how much the Lord has grown me up since leaving my August world. That is why I know the next step is better. And I long to be there. "And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another."- 2Corinthians 3:18. This is a promise I am seeing. I am watching Him transform the world around me and I am watching Him sanctify my head and heart. I cannot wait to see the nest degree of glory that he has prepared. He is supplying every need of mine according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. How lucky I am to serve a God who is faithful. How blessed I am that He allows me to be a part of the congregation that will praise His name for eternity. It is November.

It's August

Falling short. I Am Redeemed.
Feeling weight. I Am Redeemed.
Forgetting Redemption. I Am Redeemed.

Corduroy Coat

My friend Hannah did something like this on her blog last january that I absolutely loved. She took lyrics from counting crows songs and smashed them together into one giant poem. Its nast - (check it out if you know her). These are lyrics from different songs on my newest summer mix...the rhythms stuck in my head on the daily...

Lately life's been the same I find this comfortable place
with all my friends
And this old corduroy coat is not keeping me dry
But I don't know what else to try
When there really ain't nothing wrong
But I still can't do most of the things I should
And I got no excuse
And is that alright?
I just want to be okay today
I just want to know something today
And we are so fragile
I got secrets from you
You got secrets from me
Because you're so worried about what I'm gonna think
Baby, I'm worried, too
And I'd try to help you walk along but I'd probably end up pushing you over
And I'll make you feel like I never wanted to make you feel
Our treachery is love, dear
We got attracted like bees coming to the hive
So why do I get so lonely?
Cause there's too many things
It's a pale parade of passing clouds
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I put a trash can by the road
And filled it up just to lighten my load
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know something today

This is a brand new day
I found a pearl in the snow
Those days of soda and pretzels and beer
I found the sunshine at the end of the day
Tall glass of milk and cookies
There you were in a black dress
You threw flowers in the air this night
I'll spend the rest of my days bringing victory in
If you want me to
O Love that wilt not let me go
I rest my weary soul in Thee
I give Thee back the life I owe
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer fuller be.

Overwhelm Me.

I have been laying on my deck contemplating my idols. Its a conversation I have with myself that frustrates me beyond belief. I hate recognizing my own sin. I understand that it is by God's love and His desire to lavish His perfection all over me that He calls out my sin from darkness into light, but I hate it. I feel dumb and foolish. It is a battle in which I hate to know loss. Yes, yes, Christ did not lose that battle and sin is no longer His master, but sometimes I fear that it is still mine. I obsess, I have secrets, I am starved for love. I am currently enslaved to these things and feel incapable of letting my freedom be my freedom instead of the nagging guilt it has become. I know that this is a temporary suffering, (temporary as in something I will struggle with until I leave this world that I am not a part of), of my heart that will show me my soul's need for the person of God and the redemptive powers of the gospel, but I still feel this way - aching pain. I still feel restless in my need to satisfy the stomach's of these idols and am exhausted from trying to keep up with their requirements.

I pray to be reminded of Your worth quickly. Continue to make a fool of me so that all I've got is mercy to lean on. Let me not be like the Pharisee in the temple, but like the tax collector who rests solely on the gift that is given and the grace and mercy that saves. Help me to know that I will always lose the battle but am saved by the One who paid my debt and fought and conquered in my place. Continue to frustrate me with my dissatisfaction until I come to know Your fullness. Call out my sin, refine my heart, and set my mind on the things of the Spirit - which is an obsession with the person of Christ.

A mixture i can't figure out

I can't help but know that the cross is big enough for my sin on days like today. Days where I feel defeat. Days where I am knowingly overcome by my sin and am enslaved to it. I rest in the fact that a life of obedience is a crawl. I am bound to failure and defeat. There will be days where I can see sanctification at work in myself as I am refined, and those days will be great. But there will be even more days like today where I see the cross covering me and shielding me. Today I have felt helpless and weak. Feelings I should embrace more often. I am angry that I am so incapable of doing anything righteous or good on my own. But how thankful I am to have no hope in myself. Its a confusing mix of helplessness and hope, of frustration and thankfulness. Its days like today that my head hurts because it doesn't know what to feel. To be overcome by my sin and my salvation all at once is exhausting.